What exactly is it about arranged marriage that Megan said that was so great? She challenged the age-old idea that it is necessarily a bad thing, and even concluded that it could well be a very good thing. Okay. So what is it that I'm saying about arranged marriage, then? Well, hold on to your hats, folks, because, whether you agree or not, I'm saying arranged marriage is a very good thing. Most certainly, absolutely, definitely, one hundred percent a good thing. But before you leave in shock, and before I continue, let me say this: I do not support abusive marriages, I do not necessarily support marriages of odd ages, and I am not advocating marrying a stranger just for the sake of it. That being said, though, I think arranged marriage is a good thing. In fact, I would call it a legitimate option, even nowadays, and possibly as legitimate or more (in some cases) as finding your own spouse.
Marrying For Love
So what's the big thing about marrying for love? What does it even mean? Well, if my understanding is correct, it means knowing somebody enough to know that you like them when you marry them - basically just marrying someone you don't hate and even find pleasant.
But wait. That's not what love is. Love is not liking someone, per se, love is wanting a person's good, and putting them before yourself. You don't have to like a person to do that. How many books or movies have we seen where the hero valiantly rescues a villain, a henchman, or a complete stranger? They rescue someone they obviously do not like, or possibly don't even know, and yet they love the person enough to save them. So you don't have to like a person to love them.
So, in a sense, 'marrying for love' is really just marrying for friendship. Which is a good thing, yes, as a spouse will be your lifelong best friend, of course. However. Friendship, while it needs more than this to continue, often is just founded on a whim - liking someone at random, or just meeting them and them liking you. Thus, oftentimes what 'marrying for love' tends to be is just marrying someone you like, rather than any particularly real affection.
Being Married For Love
Believe me, there is a difference between the two. Marrying for love, and being married for love are two very different things.
As I've said above, marrying for love is really just marrying someone you get along with; someone you like. Loving the person isn't always necessarily a part of it as it as the term is commonly employed. How many romances can you think of in various entertainment genres that the couple do not always act for each other's good, yet still like each other? Their marriage would technically still be marrying for love, according to the term's use.
Being married for love does not require necessarily liking each other, or really even having known each other before the marriage. What it requires is - for common good and peace - fulfilling the spouses' respective roles in the marriage regardless of what said spouses like or dislike about it. And this, yes, may imply arranged marriage, but even in chosen marriage, the spouses aren't always living exactly according to their dream - that's a given - but they are living as spouses nonetheless. As Tolkien immortally put it, "[Your] real soul-mate is the person you are actually married to."
Love and Marriage (And Attraction)
In our Christian faith, we are called to love everyone. True love is, as I described above, but wanting a person's good and putting them before yourself. Thus, we are called to do this with everyone. So, if we're called to love everyone like that, and that's what true love really is, then what's the distinction between that and romantic love?
Love really is just self-sacrifice - that's certain. However, there is another factor to romance (and thus marriage) that is often called love, though its nature is less voluntary then real love. The difference between ordinary Christian love and romantic/marital love is attraction. Obviously, in a romantic relationship, we feel a different sort-of liking for the person than we would for a sibling or a friend. We have all three of the things I described above - liking the person, loving the person, and also having an attraction to the person. This is what people generally mean when they say someone is 'in love,' is that the someone is merely attracted to someone else in a certain fashion.
Is this the factor missing, then, from arranged marriage? No, indeed, it isn't. Not by nature, at least. Being attracted to someone can happen at a very young age, and isn't always even meant to develop into a full romance. When you are too young, or already married, or feel called to a different lifestyle, *cough cough vocation cough* then you can still be attracted to people of the complimentary gender, though you cannot act on said attraction.
Thus, attraction can happen on the spur of the moment, or over time - you can just see a person and be attracted to them (I believe the common term for this is 'love at first sight,' though I've said above quite extensively that attraction and love are two different things). And yet, many people of nowadays would have you - if you so wished - marry that person because of that feeling. And that's what they would call 'marrying for love.' But, really, that's just marrying for attraction. And if attraction can happen at first sight, then what's the difference between marrying an attractive person you know, and that same attractive person by arrangement, before you know them? In the realm of attraction - the big gap between romantic and non-romantic love - there is no difference. And if that's part of what makes love romantic, then can't an arranged marriage be every bit as romantic or more than marrying someone you know?
Marriage and romantic relationship to the Christian is made up of all three components, of course - love, friendship, and attraction, in that order - but as we are called to love everybody, and attraction is not only the least important, but the least controllable of the three factors, this rule does not cross out arranged marriage. The only factor missing in arranged marriage of the three is the factor that often takes the longest, even after the marriage, to unfold, even with chosen marriages: friendship. Friendship comes in time - even someone you start out not being able to stand can become one of your best friends given time. And marriage gives people that necessary time, for sure.
In Conclusion
So, what am I even rambling on about? In short:
- 'Marriage for love' is often really just marriage for attraction, which makes the freedom seem absurd
- Marriage has to be founded on love - self sacrifice
- If, we, as Christians, already love everyone, and make a lifestyle of self-sacrifice, then we could potentially marry anyone of the complimentary gender and be happy because the main foundation is there
- Friendship, the second foundation of marriage, takes time, even in chosen marriages, so to use it as a reason to discard arranged marriage is ridiculous
- Attraction is not easily controlled, and can happen as quickly as on first sight, so to base marriage on it without either of the other foundations is fallacious
- Arranged marriage has love, grows friendship, and may thrive with or without attraction (and has just as much a chance as chosen marriage to accomplish the latter), whereas chosen marriage often does not have one or more of those and can even be founded just on attraction
- Thus, in my own humble opinion, arranged marriage really is an overlooked good - I know it sounds screwy, but it is an amazing thing!
I know it may not be a particularly common thing, now, but it needs to be. Arranged marriage is very underrated, folks. Give it a break! I know I will - in fact, I'm brainstorming right now on story ideas to make an arranged marriage couple. I know this post is incredibly haphazard, but I would like to think that it was more excitement than carelessness that accomplished it. It's a serious subject! And, while I don't expect anyone to go out and do it because of this (that is, as always, at the discernment and abilities of each person), I do hope I've changed a few minds. But for now, addio, mia amici!
Ahhhh Belle this is amazing! And I'm so glad my little post inspired it. :)
ReplyDeleteTrue true true. Of course it's wonderful to marry someone you're friends with AND attracted to; but both friendship and attraction can come and go like that, whereas actual commitment and self-sacrifice is a choice. Neither of the former can guarantee a good marriage...nor can the latter, on a human level. Ultimately, a marriage can only survive and thrive through the grace of God. And THAT is a criteria which can be met in any marriage, arranged or not.
Thanks, Megan!
DeleteExactly! See, even in a comment, you say easily what took me a whole post. :) It really is such a good, and I don't understand why it is so little encouraged (and so oft discouraged!). I still think chosen marriage is a more appealing choice due to the friendship aspect, but arranged marriage is nothing to shake a stick at.
Oh, now this post is amazing!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI so agree. I actually wrote a blog post on this topic titled "Love at First Sight: A Myth" here's a link if you want to check it out ;)
http://keturahskorner.blogspot.com/2016/11/love-at-first-sight-myth.html
I love how you define love and liking and hating. You so hit the nail on the head with that point. And it makes me happy to see that others agree with me on this topic ;)
I'm going to have to check out more of your blog, but I think I love it for this post haha!
keturahskorner.blogspot.com
I read that post when I first checked out your blog, actually. What's funny is, at the time, I only halfway agreed with it - mainly because I was under the misconception that you were criticizing fairy tales, which is a pet peeve of mine. But now, I think I agree with every word - it just took me long enough to be old enough to understand, I think. Because before you really experience attraction and all that, you really can't realize the whole of the facts well.
DeleteThanks! I based my concept of this, though, upon Boethe's philosophy, and also the explanation of a wise and amazing friend who has helped me out a lot with this.
Thanks! And thanks for stopping by - feel free to come by anytime!
haha, that's so funny because I LOVE FAIRY TALES! In fact I'm getting three of my original fairy tales published in anthologies soon ;) I don't think I'm familiar with Boethe's philosophy? I'd love to hear more about that!
DeleteHaha, yeah, I know that impression was wrong *now*, but at the time it made me slightly irritated. Cool! Have you posted any of them on your blog?
DeleteBoethe was an early Christian philosopher who proposed the idea that evil is not a substantial thing, but merely a lack of good - this is the philosophy I build off of. Of course, not all his ideas were spot-on, but I believe that he laid the groundwork for the true definitions of good and evil in philosophy.
J+M+J
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and I eagerly and quite wholeheartedly agree. Tis a shame really how many things such as this that our culture nowadays sneers back at, some of them rightly so, but others (such as this) are a gem lost in time!
And if ever you were looking at advantages for such a thing, I actually believe there are quite a few facts that would make this route advantageous....
1. You know the family of said spouse thoroughly, as the arrangement normally happens when said people are very young. So you, in a way, already know their loyalty, their flaws, and their weaknesses. (And so know better how to help them in their needs)
2. Since it isn't the spouse's choice who he/she marries, the moral throughout their lives to love no matter what has more motivation to be taught better. In other words, they are expected to humbly except whoever their parents picked out, and so love them, making it easier to do (and more natural too).
3. The parents making the decision upgrades in a way the formality and the importance of the decision. If the spouse makes the decision, it could seem like (because they themselves decided) it was just another average life decision... and so since it's less important seeming, it's easier to say "oh I messed up that decision, so I'd better take it back" and so it seems less scandalous when a divorce happens, because if the decision is "just another decision" it doesn't matter much.... So in that way, along with a couple others, arranged marriages make divorce not only harder to get, but also a lot less likely to happen
And I'll stop there, partially because this comment is getting waaay to long and I believe a bit confusing... and partially because I'm too tired (or lazy) to think any of more at the moment.... (There are more though I know)
But yes, anyway, great post! :)
(and sorry for the tangent)
The Doorman.
It is really a shame. The only real reason, in my own beliefs, that the culture sneers at arranged marriage is because it is so like unto the Ultimate Romance of Christ and His Bride - He chose her, but she was passive in the decision. This makes people despise the notion at most, and at least uncomfortable with it (which, as most things of our culture are, is stupid).
DeleteI quite agree - those things aren't always the case, but if I were making a less general case for arranged marriage, I would definitely revert to those points, as they are splendid ones.